Crowe Shocks Fans By Coming Out

Russell Crowe has shocked fans and critics alike today in an impromptu press conference where he came out.

“It wasn’t until recently when I exclaimed that women over a certain age should quit whingeing about there not being enough decent roles in Hollywood for them, did I comprehend that I was being vocal about something I had no comprehension of. More importantly, I was actively undermining and deriding women in Hollywood – which is famous for doing that anyway. It was at this point that I was forced to come to terms with my truth. My family and friends have suspected for some time, but it’s important that I tell the world – I am a wanker.”

Russell Crowe said that he had a very tough time being a wanker growing up as many people ostracised him for who he was and the way he treated people.

It wasn’t until he was in high school and took an interest in acting that he realised there were places where he might be accepted instead of ruthlessly confronted every time he said something ignorant or out of turn. By the time he was cast in his seminal role in Gladiator, Crowe knew that Hollywood was the place where wankers were not only accepted, but celebrated.

“I would like to thank my family for supporting me through these tough times by not addressing my behaviour and just accepting who I am” said Crowe. He went on to outline that he hopes he can live up to other great wankers such as Mel Gibson and recognises that to appropriate terminology such as “coming out” is something only a wanker would do.

Crowe then announced that he will be creating a trust and offering grants to other wankers who are interested in acting because, according to him “there are just not enough of us”.

Suspicions still remain as to whether or not Crowe is also a walking stereotype, though his tendency towards outbursts of violence has gossip columnists suggesting that maybe this is the case.

When asked if he intended to change his behaviour in order to be less of a wanker he looked mournful and expressed apology. “Unfortunately that’s just not what wankers do”.